Feeling lost

Writing my first post from the place I usually journal from by the seaside with this view is very fitting.

I know a lot of people are feeling lost. I’ve been lost for 10 years. No direction. No real advancement in my life. Been working nonstop for 10 years, but even when I am trying to do new things or become social in the past 3 years I am filled with self-doubt, with existential thoughts, with no real sense of belonging.

I’m stuck in my career with no interest in what I am doing or a path forward. I want to try to do something new, different, radical, but I last the energy and will to start.

Friendships exist but as a 28-year old even though you are in touch with your friends and enjoy their company, you can’t really talk about what’s in your head. So hangouts are escapism to stop thinking about your problems for a few hours. And you can’t expect people to be emotionally available or have the capacity to talk to you. You need to accept that you alone are responsible for your issues and how you process your emotions.

Love life/companionship is non-existent. An unstable ugly person like myself shouldn’t expect anyone to want to talk to me. The ones that try make a huge mistake as I am a burden. I am not expecting anything for the next couple of years. I need to learn to love myself first.

On family. It’s complicated and personal and I’ll leave that for my personal journal.

Fitness. For 1.5 years I was hitting the gym which really boosted my confidence and morale, but I have stooped for 6 months already. And I am back to my fat, ugly, depressed self. I have no intention of going back any time soon.

What is the path forward? I have the intellectual tools, Camus and Nietzsche talk a lot about embracing the absurdity, facing and overcoming the void. Create your own values. And I get it, but I am having a hard time applying it.

Side hobbies: I love escapism, so I love going to raves, going out, but it’s not meaningful. I am starting to love doing web design, and want it to be my side hustle. I want to practice to DJ, but I need a bigger house with my own room to have enough space for a deck. I want to continue experimenting with techno music production but it’s time consuming and I rather use up the time right now to mentally work on myself and earn more.

So I am stuck. Out of 30 days in a month I am happy for 2, really bad for 5, and barely alive for the rest.

What are you doing to overcome being stuck in life and feeling like a waste of resources?